parting is such sweet sorrow.

[gipsy_danger]

Comments

[unbreachable]

Numbness spreads from Raleighs core through the tips of his fingers and he doesn't really hear what the doctor is telling him anymore.

Terminal, we're sorry, affects most Rangers, Gipsy was nuclear, radiation poisoning, it was inevitable--

Nothing that the old man in front of him is saying helps. Raleigh can only see the rest of his life vanish up in a cloud of smoke right before his eyes, blood roaring in his ears as he glances down at himself, gaze mutinous, at the body that has betrayed him.

He looks like he's in perfectly good shape. Strong, rippling muscles, excellent stamina -- a few scars, but who doesn't have those?

And now he's being told that this is the end of the line, that he's dying, that there's nothing they can do except treat it, and those treatments are worse than the disease itself.

Raleigh stands up, chair skittering backwards and he shakes his head, cutting the doctor off midsentence.

"No. I don't want radiation, I don't want chemo."

"But--"

"I said no. I want quality, not quantity. What good am I if I'm an invalid because I can't be exposed to germs, sick all the time because of chemo? I'm not doing it. No."

He'd watched his mother die. He couldn't waste away like she did.

And so he leaves, signing papers and turning down treatment and he goes home, opening the door and letting it shut loud behind him.

The apartment is on the beach and most days, the windows are open and you can hear birds chirping and the rustle of wind through trees, the waves crashing onto the shore.

A perfect place to die, he supposed.

"Roy...?"

[truckerhats]

Roy had no idea about what the Jaeger pilots had sustained during their time fighting kaiju. He'd always wondered a little about the radiation, but he just assumed there was some sort of screening to protect the pilots.

Because why wouldn't they?

He didn't know what Raleigh had gone to hear from the doctor, but he'd just been waiting for him to get home with some lunch set in the kitchen for him, because he figured his boyfriend would appreciate having something to eat when he got back.

Roy's spread out on the couch with his notebook, poking through some designs for new projects, but he looks up as soon as he hears the door close, and it's loud enough to get his attention.

He sits up, automatically smiling when he sees that Raleigh's home.

"Hey, babe," he calls lightly, putting aside his notebook so he can get up to say hello.

[unbreachable]

He locks the door behind him and numbly lets his key clatter on the little table by the door. He's sort of...taking everything in around him like he's really and truly seeing it for the first time, reaching to touch the wall, drag his fingers down the hall as he walks into the living room.

"...Hey."

His smile is strained and he looks at Roy, then quickly crosses the room and pulls him into a tight hug.

[truckerhats]

...okay, Roy wasn't expecting that kind of greeting, but hugs are nice, so he'll just hug Raleigh back, giving his hair a kiss.

"...everything okay, man?" Because there's something off about that smile and the way Raleigh's acting.

[unbreachable]

"...I have cancer."

Fuck, no -- that's not how he wanted to tell Roy, he'd wanted to sit him down and calmly explain it but fuck, Raleigh's so goddamn scared about everything he's not...really thinking clearly and he's not processing this very well.

At all.

[truckerhats]

The word rings in Roy's ears, and he doesn't think he heard Raleigh right at first.

"...you what?"

There's no way Raleigh could have cancer, because that's just...no. This is a joke, right?

[unbreachable]

"Terminal," he says blankly, and lifts a hand to tap at his temple.

"Same thing Stacker had, I guess. Didn't escape the radiation after all."

It's surreal. He feels like this is a horrible nightmare that he's going to wake up from right now.

Now.

Please God, let him wake up.

[truckerhats]

Roy just stares at him for a long moment, blinking slowly and trying to take in what he's saying.

"You're...you're kidding, right? Ha-ha, very funny, Raleigh. Not." He's shaking slightly, because this isn't...this isn't something he ever wanted to hear.

He'd already watched one person he loved waste away with cancer; how the hell was this happening again?

[unbreachable]

"I wish--"

Fuck, he'd thought he had so much time and now --

Now the PPDC had managed to inadvertently rob him of the rest of his life.

"I'm sorry."

[truckerhats]

Roy opens his mouth, closes it again, then runs a hand back through his hair, looking everywhere but at Raleigh.

"Okay, but...you're going to get treatment, right? This doesn't have to-- you've still got time, don't you?" Because they were supposed to have years together, but this?

This can't be real.

[unbreachable]

"I -- no. I turned it down. I -"

Raleigh needs to sit.

He stumbles to the couch and crashes down on it.

"I can't. I can't--"

[truckerhats]

"...you turned it down?"

That's not exactly the answer Roy was expecting; why would Raleigh turn down treatment?

But he can see that Raleigh's struggling with this, understandably so, and he goes to the couch and sits with him, reaching out to touch his arm.

"Raleigh...you can't just--" Okay, yeah, it's Raleigh's life and his health and his body, but...he doesn't want Raleigh to have fewer years because he's not going to accept treatment.

[unbreachable]

Raleigh sits heavily on the couch and drops his head into his hands, dragging his fingers through his hair.

This isn't fair. It's not fair, he's given everything to the fucking PPDC, and now this? Now he has to die, slowly - painfully - because of it, too?

God, he's so fucking angry.

"I'm sorry."

ghosts.

[unbreachable]

I can feel his love. Sometimes, I think I can taste it.

[unbreachable]

He comes and he goes; in and out, fading nearly completely before a bout of Roy's grief brings him back again. Wraithlike and unseen, he moves through walls, slips between shadows, fades when sunlight hits him directly.

Raleigh doesn't know how long he's been like this - minutes, weeks, months. It's hard to say because when he comes, it's always when Roy is grieving, specifically. He can never judge how long it's been since his death, but he supposed it didn't matter - when Yancy died, Raleigh never stopped grieving. He supposed that he couldn't fault Roy in the least.

It would make Raleigh quite the hypocrite.

Roy never seems to see him, either. Maybe he does, a little, on the fringes of his vision like Raleigh always saw Yancy, but if he does - it isn't commented on.

So Raleigh...floats. He floats around, caught in the in-between, unable to pass on but unable to completely cling to earth. Roy tethers him by a thin rope, and he feels pulled in two directions.

He's waiting for Roy one day when he comes home, sitting on the couch, watching the door until it opened.

[truckerhats]

Roy's not sure how he's been existing since Raleigh's death, because he feels like there's a hole where Raleigh should be and there's no way to fill it. At the very least, he has't gone back to drinking, but some days it's so damn hard not to, and it's only by remembering how disappointed Raleigh would be if Roy let himself go there that he can restrain himself.

So he usually just goes home and cries for a while instead.

Sometimes, he swears he can feel Raleigh, but every time he looks for him, he's just not there. The bed is always empty beside him, and Raleigh's pillow finally stopped smelling like spice and coffee and leather and Roy misses that so badly. Sometimes he still presses his face against one of Raleigh's sweaters because he couldn't bear to get rid of them.

He knows that where he comes from condemns this kind of dwelling, this overwhelming grief, but Roy can't help it -- and besides, ghosts aren't real anyway. That's all just stupid superstition, and it doesn't matter because Raleigh is gone.

Roy just goes through his days on autopilot, eating, sleeping, working, paying his bills,and just...existing.

He does't know what else to do with himself.

So when he comes home, drops his keys on the table and kicks off his shoes, he almost walks right by Raleigh settled on the couch. His mind processes that someone else is there, and he's halfway to the kitchen before his head whips around to stare at--

At...

At Raleigh, what the fuck?

"...okay, now I've officially gone insane."

[unbreachable]

This is the first time that Roy has ever actually acknowledge Raleigh's presence. Mostly, it's been strange, over the shoulder double takes that lead to a shrug and maybe a tear, but never ever has Roy done a double take and stared.

...Then said something like that.

Raleigh stands up.

Death is strange, it's funny what you can pass through, what you can make yourself touch. He finds that it has to do with willpower, but he hasn't been able to bring himself to try and touch Roy. Not just yet.

"...You can see me?"

[truckerhats]

Roy's mouth just flops open and closed for a few seconds, and he can't quite find his voice again, because now Raleigh is standing and talking, and yeah, he's pretty sure he's just fucking lost it.

"I can-- yeah, you're right there, how can I not see you?" He swallows thickly, his mouth running dry as he runs a nervous hand through his hair.

"And I'm-- I've just officially lost it, holy shit, what is wrong with me?" He presses his hand over his eyes, waits, thinking that Raleigh might just be gone when he opens them again, but when he peeks through his fingers, he's still there.

[unbreachable]

"Nothing."

Nothing is wrong with him -- at least, Raleigh doesn't think so.

"Hey just...calm down. Okay?"

He doesn't know how to begin explaining this because he doesnt' exactly understand it either.

[truckerhats]

Roy's trying to be calm, but Raleigh is dead but he's here but he's dead and Roy doesn't know what the fuck is happening.

"I'm just-- okay, I'm calm. What's-- going on?" He tries to steady his breathing, but he has to lean against the wall to prop himself up.

[unbreachable]

"I...don't know. I've been like this for a while, I don't -- I don't know, Roy. I can't...move on."

He watches Roy lean against the wall and he wants nothing more than to go to him but he's...pretty sure that'd freak him out, so he stays where he is for now.

[truckerhats]

"So you're still...dead. Actually dead, not some sort of weird fake-your-death bullshit. And you're...a ghost, wait, seriously?"

Roy has seen some damn strange things in his life, but...actual ghosts? Not so much.

[unbreachable]

"Yes, and...yes. I think so. I don't really know what I am."

And that's the worst part, the not knowing. It's confusing and it doesn't make...a lot of sense to him.

[truckerhats]

"Are you...corporeal? Can you touch things? How long have you been just-- hanging around?"

He wants to understand what's going on, wants to try and figure out how raleigh is here.

[unbreachable]

"...Sometimes." He admits, lacing his fingers together. "It kind of comes and goes."

It's equally confusing for him too, Roy -- don't worry. It's a mindfuck for everyone.